HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 50 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A SAFE HAVEN is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a CAMO-COUGH. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. The CAMO-COUGH is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
An ASTAIRE is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A WATERMELON is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. This is often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TODD
An UNCLE TODD is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror
or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TODD makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORK POOP is an inevitable part of
life.
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